So that was short-lived. I’m back to feeling glum about my future again. I have it on my Habitica to look for jobs the next couple of days, but I’m not optimistic. There are only so many jobs out there nowadays, and it feels like every time I do go out looking, I see the exact same job postings over and over again but they’ve been advertising for so long. “Posted 14 days ago.” They don’t change.
So I’m not sure what to write here. I supposed it’s just to help me dump my feelings – a catharsis of sorts – even if this state of awareness has felt semi-permanent since the pandemic started.
I feel weird saying this today of all days, but I feel good today. It seems I’ve finally fixed my mucked up sleep schedule because I woke up at 7:00 AM today! I actually woke up naturally at 3:30 AM but I couldn’t pry my eyes open nor could I physically get out of bed, so I decided to sleep further to see if I could get my circadian rhythm to fix itself. Lo and behold, I woke up at 7:00 AM! I am very happy about this.
My JetPack plugin on WordPress tells me that there were a whopping three views on my blog a couple of weeks ago. I really want to know who was here, because this is my little corner of the Internet where I can truly be anonymous?! Ahh, it’s a little nerve-wracking that people visited my blog from somewhere. I am pretty sure I took this off all search engines, so this shouldn’t be happening.
I haven’t been blogging everyday, but this is my third time blogging this week. Progress. Take that, Habitica.
My last blog was a huge wall of word vomit, so I want to write about something different. (Honestly though, I could’ve gone and written more if it hadn’t been 6 AM in the morning when I had written and published it.)
So I promised a productivity app – shout out to Habitica – a few days ago that I would write in my blog every day.
Obviously, it hasn’t worked out so far.
For the past few days, I’ve been trying to think up of a topic to write about, but there hasn’t been much. I want the stuff I write about to be something thoughtful, something that I can look back on months from now and know that I mentally or emotionally grew from it. But there hasn’t been anything substantial in my life recently that warrants a blog.
Well, this year has been catastrophic so far. I’ve barely been able to find a job, and I’ve barely been able to save enough money to maintain a lifestyle. This pandemic has killed all hopes for me. I’m scared that if I resort to part-time jobs for the time being, I’ll never be able to get back to the full-time career that I’ve been working on for the past few years.
It’s a legitimate worry even if I sometimes feel like I’m self-fulfilling the messaging the media has been delivering to the public the past several months – that millennials have been fucked over this pandemic, and it will be years before they will bounce back from this.
Welp, this website used to be my private blog, but then I recently found out that Google is actually indexing this website so it’s showing up on search results, so this blog isn’t so private anymore. I guess that’s what you get when you don’t follow Google SEO changes as closely as you should.
In any case, I am going to refrain from blogging about anything that’s controversial. Might hamper my ability to gain employment. I believe employees have the right to vocalize their opinions online – especially in our modern-day society – but I know not all employers feel this way, so I guess there will be fewer personal blogs from now on.
I will say though, I feel absolutely terrible today. Maybe living in London has increased my compassion and empathy for others – which is likely – or maybe I’m just being overdramatic – which is also likely – but good gods, have you ever been in those moments where you just want to crawl into a hole and just die of embarrassment?
I’m alive. I’m still here. I moved back to Toronto mid-April, so I’ve been around for a while now. I just haven’t had the mental space to sit down and write down what it has felt like so far.
But I’ll be blunt. Moving back to my parents has been absolute shit. I fucking hate it. I hate this house and everything that it represents. I moved away to leave this place. To leave this tense atmosphere. I hate that I’m back in this house.
I can’t believe it’s already February. This means I have only two and a half months left until I return home to Canada. Gosh. Now that I’ve decided to leave, it has made me realize that I’ll miss this place – the convenience of getting around anywhere (e.g. airports, public transit), the cheap groceries (e.g. Lidl, Tesco), and the history and culture.
I have time to wrap things up, but I suppose if I really want to make use of my time here, I should plan out the rest of my weekends. No more staying home and doing nothing! There’s gotta be more free stuff in London than free museums.
I have an excuse this weekend though. I twisted my lower back Thursday night, so now I’ve basically resorted to staying at home and doing nothing. I did clean the house and pick up groceries today though.