Woman walking her dog in a forest in Czechia

Trying to retain the person that I became

This blog will be a whole bunch of things. Or well, my intention is to write it about a couple of things, but who knows what it will become by the end of this post.

I made a couple of decisions recently about what I want in my future:

  • No children.
  • Elopement

I don’t want children. I don’t like children. I find them annoying, and I don’t want to take care of human beings that will just take away what I want to do in my life. It will take away all my time, my energy, and my money. I don’t want that. Sure, it’s “selfish”, but isn’t it more selfish to pop out more humans on this Earth when there are so many kids out there that are malnourished and homeless? And what about the environment? The Earth is growing increasingly overpopulated, taking up more and more resources to sustain all the human beings on this Earth.

The thing is, I don’t think I need to explain myself. I don’t think I should be obligated to have kids just because I’m a woman. I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want. Just because I have a uterus, it doesn’t mean I need to pop out a kid because that’s what nature allowed us to do. Some lesbians and LGBT members will never be pregnant and popping out kids, so why should I have to fulfill that obligation?

Anyway, I don’t think I should need to explain myself. I also have zero obligation to explain to my parents. They’ll find out when they find out. It doesn’t need to be an actual sit-down conversation. Pretty much nothing will convince me at this point. Maybe far in the future, my decision will change, but I would rather regret not having kids and still have the option to foster than regret having kids and knowing that I will be stuck with them for the rest of my life.

The other thing I want in my future is an elopement. I don’t think I want a wedding ceremony. I think I’d much rather elope somewhere exotic, get some nice wedding photos out of it, and then come back to Toronto for a big party. This way I still get to wear a wedding dress (which is important to me!), and I still get to celebrate with my friends and family. I just don’t care for the actual ceremony. My friend eloped out in New Zealand, and I think that’s a wonderful idea. Anywhere with mountains and valleys would be absolutely beautiful.

It would still be the same thing anyway. Rent out a nice restaurant somewhere, have everyone dressed nicely, and then walk in as newlyweds. The difference would be that you’d get to save on things like invitations, table settings, fancy chairs, groomsmen suits, bridesmaids’ dresses, wedding cake, decorations… Just seems like a lot of work. I’d just want to elope and be done with it.

So those are two things I wanted to talk about today. The third thing is related to the title of this blog.

As I apply to job after job, I feel like I’m slowly losing myself. Losing the person that I became after living in London. I definitely changed after living there. I got more talkative, more amiable, more open-minded, more considerate… But as I stay in this house – this house that I grew up in as a kid – it’s reminding me more and more of the person that I was before I moved to London. I don’t like who I was then.

So I’m worried. I’m worried that the longer I am unemployed, the more time I have to subconsciously change myself back into the person that I was. I’d like to define this feeling as “fear”, but maybe that’s too strong a word. I just know that I really don’t want that to happen.

I need to move out as soon as possible. I am more myself when I am out of this house than when I am in it. It reminds me of far too many bad memories.

Photo from: unsplash-logoDaniel Frank

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