I haven’t been blogging everyday, but this is my third time blogging this week. Progress. Take that, Habitica.
My last blog was a huge wall of word vomit, so I want to write about something different. (Honestly though, I could’ve gone and written more if it hadn’t been 6 AM in the morning when I had written and published it.)
Let’s talk about my love life.
I know, I know, it’s not really something I freely talk about usually because there really isn’t anything to talk about, but I want to give this a try. Let’s look at whatever it is.
Many years ago, my friends would nag at me for being too picky. That I expected too much of the people I want to be in a relationship with. Recently, they said the same thing. That always bothered me because I don’t think there’s anything remotely wrong about being picky. I would be letting this person to enter into my life, to complement my current lifestyle. Why shouldn’t I be picky?
But the other thing that occurred back then was that I just wasn’t ready. Not emotionally ready, not mentally ready, not psychologically ready, etc. I wasn’t ready to take that on. I mean, if we look back at my personal history, you would know why. That’s over ten years worth of scars I’m still trying to heal from. When you’re not even emotionally stable or mentally healthy, how could you be ready for more?
Now though – now, I think living in London has changed me so much, I think I am emotionally mature enough to take it on. I’m so much more comfortable in who I am, I think I would know exactly how to proceed through such a relationship.
Shocking, isn’t it? That it has taken me over thirty years to be ready to let a significant person into my life?
Alas, we’re now in a global pandemic, my career is at a standstill, and I don’t know how to take that next step. Or if there is even a next step to take. I’m on dating apps, and I’m talking to people, but the process has been different. The steps between virtual conversations and physical meet-ups are longer. I don’t remember conversations ever lasting this long during pre-COVID times. People were eager to meet up in person. Nowadays, virtual conversations last for weeks before we decide to speak to each other verbally or meet each other physically.
But maybe it’s just me. I’ve been holed up at home for so long, there’s a comfort here that I don’t want to leave. Even if I’m ready to take that big first step.
I’m hoping that this will change soon. I want this pandemic to be over so my life can begin again.