Toronto waterfront

Start of the week

So that was short-lived. I’m back to feeling glum about my future again. I have it on my Habitica to look for jobs the next couple of days, but I’m not optimistic. There are only so many jobs out there nowadays, and it feels like every time I do go out looking, I see the exact same job postings over and over again but they’ve been advertising for so long. “Posted 14 days ago.” They don’t change.

So I’m not sure what to write here. I supposed it’s just to help me dump my feelings – a catharsis of sorts – even if this state of awareness has felt semi-permanent since the pandemic started.

I came across an article on LinkedIn the other day about underemployment. I just read through it. I’m not sure what to take out of it. Okay, yes, this will be temporary, but to stay optimistic? What’s that? I’ve been unemployed or underemployed for so long. It’s well over a year. No matter how much I try to stay optimistic about my future, it doesn’t look like there’s an end in sight.

That’s because underemployment – whether as defined by the ILO or more broadly – often affects people’s sense of identity, says Gladys Ato, a California-based clinical psychologist and author who works with executives. … Identity is often linked to career, and when this is threatened by a job loss or change, it shakes people’s sense of self-worth. “They may start to notice increasing anxiety, that constant sense of dread which can then turn into depression,” says Ato.

Anisa Purbasari Horton, BBC Worklife

That much is true, at least. That I do feel like I’ve lost a huge part of my self-worth in the past two years. Two years. It’s shocking just typing that out. Two years of perpetual floating. Living at my parents’ place, holing myself up in the basement because that’s where the computer is. Fucking toxic, man. It doesn’t help that this place can easily trigger my C-PTSD.

Right. My Habitica app says I need to look for jobs the next couple of days. I’ll do that. I’ll look for normal office jobs that would help replenish my self-worth, and then if that doesn’t work, I hope that stores are now looking for seasonal workers and I can send in applications now.

I’ve been being propped up by CERB and EI at least. Thank god for the Canadian government. I should be set for the next little while even if I can’t find a job because I have enough employment insurance hours for the new phase of EI, but I don’t want to sit on that forever. I need to work again. I need to work at perfect employment again. Not underemployment.

“At least.” Those words have been everywhere in this blog. Those two words perfectly encapsulate my thin shred of optimism.

Photo by Narciso Arellano on Unsplash.

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