People walking in Yunnan, China

Cold shivering and alone

Last month’s blogging exercise has proven to be somewhat productive. I’m here less than a month later writing out my feelings because I actually need an outlet today.

I had a job interview today. Two of them back to back for the same job and company. I already know that I didn’t get it. I know that it’s shooting myself in the foot, and maybe it is, but I have no optimism for my future anymore. I go to interviews for jobs I know I’m a shoo-in for because the role is nearly word for word what I’ve done previously in a last job – and it’s an unique position that not many people have the skills – and yet, and yet, I won’t get an offer.

So when it comes to jobs that I kind of qualify for, I’m not at all optimistic. I’m used to the disappointment by now. It is what it is.

I’m tired, you know? I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired. I’m tired of giving and giving and giving to society and not getting anything back. This isn’t who I am. I want to be loved back. I want to be appreciated. I have so much love to give, so much effort I want to put into, so much passion in me that I want to expend into the world, but there’s like, no venue for it.

It feels like I’m just donating my time and energy into things and people, they’re getting it, and I’m not receiving anything back. Do people think it’s easy for me? Do people think it’s easy to stay positive all the time? Do people think it’s easy to try and emote as much hopefulness as possible even though you don’t feel it yourself?

Because it isn’t, and I’m tired.

I want to be reciprocated. I want to be appreciated. I want to put time and energy into something and get something back for once.

Just once I would like to know that I’m worthy of someone’s investment.

Photo by Chi Lok TSANG on Unsplash.

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