Woman sitting on grass in Rize Turkey

Another roller coaster

I’m in a mood again. Last night, it felt like I was on a high. I watched Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stream Among Us for five hours and laughed and smiled for most of it. I went to bed smiling and laughing. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so relaxed and happy. It felt like I was on a serotonin high. It was a strange feeling because the last time I felt like this, it was maybe two years ago.

I was smiling and laughing for nearly half of that Twitch stream. AOC, Hasan, and Corpse Husband put on such an excellent stream, I didn’t have the thought of presently being a life failure even once during those few hours. I laughed and I clapped. It never felt contrived. I never felt forced to react in a certain. I was just enjoying myself. There was no pressure to react negatively or positively.

Then morning came along, and I woke up to reality. I woke up feeling like last night was a fevered dream and that it never happened. I’ve been in this depressive slump for so long, any long period of time where I consistently have happy emotions feels like a different dimension to me.

I am so unhappy. I don’t know what to do with myself.

It’s true, I could finally complete my SQL and Python courses and improve my resume. But even now, when I look at the jobs being posted, they’re all for people who are already experienced in these languages. I don’t even have this sort of experience. I am nobody. I am just someone who sleeps, sits, and eats in her parents’ basement because I can’t afford to do anything else.

I am lucky that I have Canada’s EI/CERB to keep me going, so I still have some sort of income, but I’m so scared of when that stops. I am scared of being in this status forever. I am so tired. I don’t know when this will end and how this economy will return me to a position where I can live like myself. Like my own human being. Like I was last night.

Last night’s mood seems unbelievable now. Did I really go to bed laughing and smiling? It seems like a distant memory. It was only 24 hours ago.

You know, recently, I’ve noticed that in the past several months, I’ve been subconsciously clenching my jaw together a lot. My jaw would feel tense. I realized one or two weeks ago that this categorizes me into the “anxious” stage. I’m anxious because my future is an empty void for me. There’s nothing there and I have nothing to look forward to. Because there’s no end in sight.

I continually want it – want this – to end, but I’m tired of trying and going nowhere. I really don’t know what to do anymore. The job market isn’t even good right now. Most postings are just for senior positions because companies want to hire people who can also do junior positions’ jobs. Kill two birds with one stone.

I cried while writing this blog just now. I don’t know if I feel better after writing this. Last night still feels like a fevered dream.

Photo by Orkhan Farmanli on Unsplash.

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