Orange, lemons, and a lime, by Tatiana Rodriguez

A half-year slump

It’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write a blog update for a while now, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. It just feels like there’s been a lot to unload, so I don’t quite know where to begin.

I moved out, of course. I no longer live with my parents. It’s been a huge lift of weight off my shoulders. I can just do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want, without someone silently judging me for every decision. It’s been great to that extent.

The challenge is to actually work on my social life now that I live alone. I wouldn’t say I feel lonely, but I do feel alone. I barely have any friends, and I don’t have dating prospects at all. So I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’ve been doing biweekly counselling sessions to get some thoughts out of my head, but I don’t think that’s really enough because the stuff I’m unloading with my counsellor is just stuff I should’ve spoken to someone about for months now.

I’m trying streaming too, just so I have that outlet. I don’t think it’ll go anywhere, but I want to try it. I want to give it a real go just to see how far I can get. I’ll consider it a real win if I end up with at least 200 followers.

To top it all off, I haven’t had my period in months now. According to my Clue app, I haven’t had my period in five months. I don’t even know where it went. It’s not like I don’t feel horny or whatever, but it just hasn’t happened. I don’t know why either. I probably need to reach out to my family doctor about it.

I think deep down, whenever I need an emotional release these days, I go and look for a sad movie to watch because talking aloud about my feelings to a counsellor isn’t enough. I’m not sure if I’ve just been in a depressed funk the past five months, and thus why I’ve not had my period in these five months.

But perhaps I’ve just let go of myself too. I’ve gained at least 20 lbs in the past nine months or so. Not even kidding. Something must have switched on back in November when I just stopped giving a fuck about what people thought about me, and I just stopped taking care of myself. It makes sense though, now that I think about it. I was unemployed for so long throughout 2019 and 2020. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel… And to be honest, I’m not sure if I can now either.

That isn’t to say I’m suicidal, but it’s just that I don’t know when this slump will end. When I find new friends, maybe. When the pandemic will finally be over. I’m alone in this world, you know. If I get severely sick and I don’t tell any of my friends that I’m severely sick, would anyone still ask after me?

The answer to that question is: I’m not sure.

Anyway, I want change in my life. I just don’t know how or what kind.

Edit: I just reread my blog entry from November. Hah. It makes sense why I feel this way now.

Photo by Tatiana Rodriguez on Unsplash.

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