I’m writing this at 2:30 AM in the morning, so I’m not particularly coherent. I’m tired and sleepy, but I need to jot this down as I’ve been procrastinating on blogging out my feelings for the past month or so.
And that’s because I started a new full-time job. Started beginning of February, and it’s been a slow process of getting up to speed with everything because I’m getting onboarded remotely. It’s slow and awkward and I don’t like anything about it. It’s so difficult to get a good sense of team culture or company culture when you’re silo’d from everyone else. There still is one, of course, but it doesn’t feel as authentic as you would feel in person.
I’m tired today because it’s all coming down. Everything is starting, and I feel a lot of pressure to learn everything as soon as possible. It’s an adjustment, right, to suddenly be employed full-time again after nearly two years of unemployment? I need to communicate that to my colleagues, but I also feel pressure on myself to do better.
One thing that I’m hoping to change is where I live. I’m hoping to move out as soon as possible after my three-month probation. I need to get out of this house. I don’t feel independent, and I don’t feel like I’m in charge of my life. I don’t feel like I can put my all into my work when I have two other humans hovering over me all the time, talking to me about this, talking to me about that, when what I really need is space to think. Breathing space, if you will.
It’s as if after two years of being a no one and a nobody, I need to relearn how to be an adult again. How to be independent and make my own decisions. It’s wild. That sort of break is ridiculous.
Anyway, it’s nearly 3:00 AM right now. I should return back to bed. I napped after work, and it’s the only reason I’m remotely awake at the moment.