I wanted to say originally that I wasn’t sure what was different about today that made me feel more introspective than usual, but I do know why: 1) Gifting a semi-stranger on the internet a small gift for going through a similar abusive experience as I did, and 2) Speaking to colleagues about weight loss.
These are two different things obviously, and I’m not sure how to put my feelings right now into words, but I felt compelled to blog about it today, so here I am.
I suppose it’s the feeling of all these things happening at once that makes you wonder about the influence you have on people, the influence others have on you, and the influence you wish you had on others. It makes me think about how I live alone and how it’s been oh-so-long since I’ve had a partner. It makes me think about there are levels of influence that sway between you and your partner throughout a relationship as you try and make decisions on behalf of each other. And it makes me think about how it’s been so long since a partner, I am ridiculously inexperienced and out-of-practice I am about this back-and-forth that would happen between two people.
But going back to the topic of weight loss.
I’ve been hoping to lose weight before a big trip to Las Vegas next month. I’ve been hoping to lose maybe 20 pounds, but seeing that it’s now the end of June and the trip starts end of July, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I could maybe get my shit together and drop 10 pounds through intermittent fasting and some exercise, but I am not sure what difference that would make visually. I get bloated so easily.
That was a pretty drastic tonal change, I guess, in terms of writing – from introspective thoughts about one’s ability to influence to one’s weight loss.
I’ve been feeling the need to change my lifestyle lately. I know that I cannot keep up with this lazy video-gaming persona forever. I’m in my mid-30s now. This is the last of my “youth”. If I don’t change now, then I’ll regret it in my 40s, when it’ll be far too late.
The main thing that I should be doing regularly is exercising. But when I think about getting started, I think about needing to hire a personal trainer because I am just simply too out of shape. But that then leads me to wonder whether I even have the budget to hire a personal trainer because I might get kicked out of my current apartment soon and I still want to commit enough savings to buy a home somewhere in the Greater Toronto Area.
That was a long sentence and probably has a bit more to unpack. If you’re reading this at a later date, you’ll know what I’m referencing.
Not a lot has happened in the past year, so it feels like the events in the past month are a lot compared to the emptier timeline in the past 12 months.
I should get back into the dating scene again. There are people and things I should not be thinking about at this ripe old age of mid-30s, that are simply not realistic, and I should instead focus my energy elsewhere, on possibilities that could lead to something real. Something that could change the stagnancy of the past couple of years.
I don’t really know how to end this blog. It’s a dump of introspective thoughts, but hopefully, I’ll read this some months later and see this piece as part of a turning point.
Photo by Lenin Estrada on Unsplash.
