It’s been a while. I always say I’ve been meaning to update this blog, but this time, if I were to be honest, I just haven’t had it front of mind in a while. I’ve been pretty distracted by video games and a new job. It doesn’t help either that winter is a depressing season, and the Omicron variant kind of exacerbated it twenty times over.
I did catch COVID-19, or at least, some sort of illness in early January, but I never got tested because ho ho ho, the Ontario government told us that they didn’t have the testing capacity to test everyone, so a lot of people just got sick around that time period and were just asked to stay home. The Ontario provincial elections are happening this summer, by the way, so I’m going to be my darndest to make sure Doug Ford and his Conservative cronies don’t get re-elected because nobody wants private healthcare or more cuts to education.
It’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write a blog update for a while now, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. It just feels like there’s been a lot to unload, so I don’t quite know where to begin.
I moved out, of course. I no longer live with my parents. It’s been a huge lift of weight off my shoulders. I can just do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want, without someone silently judging me for every decision. It’s been great to that extent.
I’ve been procrastinating on this blog post lately. Or well, procrastinating since Saturday morning. It’s Sunday night at the moment. This was also supposed to be a post about my birthday and my birthday weekend. About how disappointing and depressing it was.
Having two lockdown/pandemic birthdays in a row has sucked. Getting yelled at or getting passive aggressive barbs thrown at me this weekend has sucked. Having few people acknowledge my birthday in real life, in person, audibly, has sucked. Having your work month scheduled out for you for the next month with last minute deadlines has sucked.
I’m writing this at 2:30 AM in the morning, so I’m not particularly coherent. I’m tired and sleepy, but I need to jot this down as I’ve been procrastinating on blogging out my feelings for the past month or so.
I’m in a mood again. Last night, it felt like I was on a high. I watched Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stream Among Us for five hours and laughed and smiled for most of it. I went to bed smiling and laughing. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so relaxed and happy. It felt like I was on a serotonin high. It was a strange feeling because the last time I felt like this, it was maybe two years ago.
I was smiling and laughing for nearly half of that Twitch stream. AOC, Hasan, and Corpse Husband put on such an excellent stream, I didn’t have the thought of presently being a life failure even once during those few hours. I laughed and I clapped. It never felt contrived. I never felt forced to react in a certain. I was just enjoying myself. There was no pressure to react negatively or positively.
Since I’ve been on Habitica, I’ve been more sensitive lately on what sort of productivity I’ve been putting out in the world and what I want to accomplish in my life beyond the usual life and career goals. That is, more than the usual “get rich and travel” mantra.
I got over 12 hours of sleep last night and woke up with a slight headache – perhaps from oversleeping? – so I am suddenly in the mood to jot down a list of things I want to accomplish in the near future.
Last month’s blogging exercise has proven to be somewhat productive. I’m here less than a month later writing out my feelings because I actually need an outlet today.
I had a job interview today. Two of them back to back for the same job and company. I already know that I didn’t get it. I know that it’s shooting myself in the foot, and maybe it is, but I have no optimism for my future anymore. I go to interviews for jobs I know I’m a shoo-in for because the role is nearly word for word what I’ve done previously in a last job – and it’s an unique position that not many people have the skills – and yet, and yet, I won’t get an offer.
I feel weird saying this today of all days, but I feel good today. It seems I’ve finally fixed my mucked up sleep schedule because I woke up at 7:00 AM today! I actually woke up naturally at 3:30 AM but I couldn’t pry my eyes open nor could I physically get out of bed, so I decided to sleep further to see if I could get my circadian rhythm to fix itself. Lo and behold, I woke up at 7:00 AM! I am very happy about this.
Well, this year has been catastrophic so far. I’ve barely been able to find a job, and I’ve barely been able to save enough money to maintain a lifestyle. This pandemic has killed all hopes for me. I’m scared that if I resort to part-time jobs for the time being, I’ll never be able to get back to the full-time career that I’ve been working on for the past few years.
It’s a legitimate worry even if I sometimes feel like I’m self-fulfilling the messaging the media has been delivering to the public the past several months – that millennials have been fucked over this pandemic, and it will be years before they will bounce back from this.