I’ve been procrastinating on this blog post lately. Or well, procrastinating since Saturday morning. It’s Sunday night at the moment. This was also supposed to be a post about my birthday and my birthday weekend. About how disappointing and depressing it was.
Having two lockdown/pandemic birthdays in a row has sucked. Getting yelled at or getting passive aggressive barbs thrown at me this weekend has sucked. Having few people acknowledge my birthday in real life, in person, audibly, has sucked. Having your work month scheduled out for you for the next month with last minute deadlines has sucked.
I’m writing this at 2:30 AM in the morning, so I’m not particularly coherent. I’m tired and sleepy, but I need to jot this down as I’ve been procrastinating on blogging out my feelings for the past month or so.
I’m in a mood again. Last night, it felt like I was on a high. I watched Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stream Among Us for five hours and laughed and smiled for most of it. I went to bed smiling and laughing. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so relaxed and happy. It felt like I was on a serotonin high. It was a strange feeling because the last time I felt like this, it was maybe two years ago.
I was smiling and laughing for nearly half of that Twitch stream. AOC, Hasan, and Corpse Husband put on such an excellent stream, I didn’t have the thought of presently being a life failure even once during those few hours. I laughed and I clapped. It never felt contrived. I never felt forced to react in a certain. I was just enjoying myself. There was no pressure to react negatively or positively.
Since I’ve been on Habitica, I’ve been more sensitive lately on what sort of productivity I’ve been putting out in the world and what I want to accomplish in my life beyond the usual life and career goals. That is, more than the usual “get rich and travel” mantra.
I got over 12 hours of sleep last night and woke up with a slight headache – perhaps from oversleeping? – so I am suddenly in the mood to jot down a list of things I want to accomplish in the near future.
Last month’s blogging exercise has proven to be somewhat productive. I’m here less than a month later writing out my feelings because I actually need an outlet today.
I had a job interview today. Two of them back to back for the same job and company. I already know that I didn’t get it. I know that it’s shooting myself in the foot, and maybe it is, but I have no optimism for my future anymore. I go to interviews for jobs I know I’m a shoo-in for because the role is nearly word for word what I’ve done previously in a last job – and it’s an unique position that not many people have the skills – and yet, and yet, I won’t get an offer.
I feel weird saying this today of all days, but I feel good today. It seems I’ve finally fixed my mucked up sleep schedule because I woke up at 7:00 AM today! I actually woke up naturally at 3:30 AM but I couldn’t pry my eyes open nor could I physically get out of bed, so I decided to sleep further to see if I could get my circadian rhythm to fix itself. Lo and behold, I woke up at 7:00 AM! I am very happy about this.
Well, this year has been catastrophic so far. I’ve barely been able to find a job, and I’ve barely been able to save enough money to maintain a lifestyle. This pandemic has killed all hopes for me. I’m scared that if I resort to part-time jobs for the time being, I’ll never be able to get back to the full-time career that I’ve been working on for the past few years.
It’s a legitimate worry even if I sometimes feel like I’m self-fulfilling the messaging the media has been delivering to the public the past several months – that millennials have been fucked over this pandemic, and it will be years before they will bounce back from this.
I’m alive. I’m still here. I moved back to Toronto mid-April, so I’ve been around for a while now. I just haven’t had the mental space to sit down and write down what it has felt like so far.
But I’ll be blunt. Moving back to my parents has been absolute shit. I fucking hate it. I hate this house and everything that it represents. I moved away to leave this place. To leave this tense atmosphere. I hate that I’m back in this house.
I can’t believe it’s already February. This means I have only two and a half months left until I return home to Canada. Gosh. Now that I’ve decided to leave, it has made me realize that I’ll miss this place – the convenience of getting around anywhere (e.g. airports, public transit), the cheap groceries (e.g. Lidl, Tesco), and the history and culture.
I have time to wrap things up, but I suppose if I really want to make use of my time here, I should plan out the rest of my weekends. No more staying home and doing nothing! There’s gotta be more free stuff in London than free museums.
I have an excuse this weekend though. I twisted my lower back Thursday night, so now I’ve basically resorted to staying at home and doing nothing. I did clean the house and pick up groceries today though.